Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Life Cannot be Lived Waiting

I feel inspired, and yet…lost.  I is almost as if I have been living a half life the past few years.  I have discovered many things about myself, and yet, many of the things I have discovered sit, unattended, under utilized, collecting dust, and needing mending.  So then, what is stopping me from really moving forward with some of these things?  Am I just lazy, or am I afraid, or – more likely – is it a combination of both?  I want to run, to sing, dance, play, write, live.  What do I do instead?  I go to work, do my job, and come home.  I have moments where I sing and play, but not fully.  There is always a part of me that holds back.  This part of me does not want to be seen, she has been hanging on since I was younger and suddenly became shy.  Somewhere around 23 years ago I went from a rather outgoing little girl, willing to talk with just about anyone, unafraid to share stories, experiences, feelings, to a quiet, shy girl, a girl who did not say a word to anyone at school for two months.  I have let go of a lot of that, but there is still some that lingers, holding tightly to my…. to me, holding me back.

I know that some of you who are going to read this will say “Then just change and do what you want.  You are all that is holding you back.”  It is tough to break a pattern that you have had for so long.  Growing up, when someone told me ‘no you can’t do that’ I would then go and prove them wrong.  There would be a challenge to it, it would awaken a need in me to prove someone else wrong.  It is rare that I get that now, and if I do, I do not take it too seriously since I know full well that I can do what I want as an adult if I put my mind to it.

I have moments when my spunky, outgoing, inner self comes out.  These are mostly in comfortable places, with people I know pretty well… the yurt, church (during choir mostly, or small meetings, not so much during coffee hour).  I like to think that these moments are happening more frequently, but the shut down moments are still frustrating.

 

No, I do not need to analyze and examine and understand what happened in the past to change the future, but it helps.  It helps as long as it does not become your sole focus.  So, it is now time to shift focus.  It is time to understand, events shaped how I grew, shaped who I am.  Future events will shape who I am to become.  Life cannot be lived waiting.  Where will your path take you?

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