Live, observe, and show....

I have been meaning to update here and while sometimes, 'it's the thought that counts' the saying can't quite cover everything, such as updating a blog. Life has thrown me for a loop yet again lately. A few weeks ago I assisted a reiki III class and was asked to assist with the attunements. That was an experience I won't soon forget, nor will I soon stop nitpicking my ability to participate in the event. The only practice I had was in a journey where my guide had me attune him. He seemed to think I did alright, but his opinion didn't matter quite as much as that of my teacher. She thought I did alright for my first time, but had a couple of ways I could improve. I'm greatful for her advice since she has been doing this for years and I am just starting out. I did my best to see it as help and not criticism... I think I did well at that. It is a tough thing for me to actually hear the advice and know where it is coming from and act on it. My typical response is 'Oh yeah?! Well I'll show you!' Sometimes that response is warranted, but most of the time it is not, especially if you take care to only surround yourself with those who wish to help you rather than those who wish to use you. The distinction can sometimes be rather minor and hard to spot, that's where listening to and trusting in your heart come into play.

I recently had a weekend of... self discovery... no that isn't quite what it was. It was rather empowering and full of breakthroughs but it cannot be definied by 'self discovery'. On the 13th I turned 28, I also had another shamanic session, played the bowls with my teacher/friend, had an amazing time talking with good friends, and realized how many people out there care about me. Eye opening to say the least. The session mainly revolved around my root chakra and the scars that had formed there over the years. Some of the scars were created by me, some I had allowed others to create. They joked that I would be a virgin again after the session nad in some ways I think that's true, at least where my chakras are concerned. An amusing point that was made, is that I will no longer be in hiding, and yet I will be returning to my observer self. The first session I had a year and a half ago or so brought me out of the hiding/observation mode/mindset and this one partially brings me back. Though I do not see it so much as bringing me back but showing me another way to be an observer. One can completely hide in the shadows and observe, never letting themselves be seen; or one can observe while being out in the open. The second type of observation is often harder as the mind can start to switch into 'look at me!' mode because you must want to be observed and seen if you are out there putting on a show. The intention must be changed and made clear in these instances. Show yourself, only show yourself caring for the other person/people you are with. Make them the focus as you watch their energies/emotions/actions.

“The universe as we know it is a joint product of the observer and the observed”

~ Teilhard de Chardin

The point that the Universe seems to be pushing home for me lately, is to outwardly show, outwardly demonstrate. It is easy for me to internally demonstrate a feeling or a thought or to demonstrate it with a look, not so easy to actually demonstrate it. By this I mean physically demonstrate something. During the attunement I did not physically push symbols into people with my breath but did so in my mind. This is fine for myself but the students being attuned needed that physical reminder of what was happening. During one of the exercises we did a role play activity where one was the parent, one the child, and I could not speak my part and reverted back to trying to get it across with just energy. I have a friend who often reminds me to use my words rather than just gesturing and expecting him to get it. While he is getting better at deciphering my gestures or looks, I should not rely on his ability to understand my point at all times when I do not actually share/speak my point or my desires.

Attempting to find quotes on speaking, most I find hint at not speaking and letting emotions simply be and be felt. There are pages of quotes from people regretting how much they have said, how people do not regret having said too little. This does not take into effect all the people who say 'If only I had said....' when a relationship or a life ends. I think the trick, is to say what you mean and feel with more than a modicum of respect for the recipient of your words.

I close with this...
Speak carefully, but never fearfully
Love fiercely, but never obsessively
Demonstrate your feelings physically, but never abusively

I'm reminded of the saying 'an action is worth a thousand words' ... but sometimes, a word is worth a thousand actions.

Define it...

I hope I can get this all out...

The other day I was driving home, giving myself a pep talk of sorts. My mind started to wander down a familiar road. People ask us what we do for a living and we answer with 'I am ...' Rather than 'I ...' We are so defined by our jobs that we don't even think twice about saying that our job is what we are. Because of that, I started to think 'who am I?' I'm not talking about the fuzzy, way out there in the middle of space answer, but the now, the here. As I type I can already tell that what I told myself that night won't come out in my fingers as they type away. But that's ok. The 'me' I am changes with each breath I take.


"I am more than I know myself to be."
~Anonymous


I am a healer, I am a woman, I am someone who is ready to open up, to be seductive if the right key is found, I am sensual, caring, serious. I am a counselor, a friend, a soft place to land when things are rough. I am a reiki practitioner, practicing each day to be the master that is within. I am bold and brazen, yet I am shy and quiet. I am a person who loves to be outside when the world is full of mist and mystery, when the forest turns into a land from the imagination. I am a nature freak, with a taste for things only found in the city. I am sensitive and because of that, I am strong. I am a lover who sometimes falls to easily and too quickly, but has no regrets in doing so. I am a writer, a jeweler, a minister, a teacher. I am an old soul who is separate yet never alone. I am ready, ready to step into my power as a person, ready to learn how to tap into all aspects of my being. I am ready to do great things. I am me.

If you read my list, and question some of it, talk to me, ask me, maybe I can help you to see that part of me. For those who know what I do daily to earn a living, you'll notice I did not mention that job in this list. It doesn't define me. It allows me to be who I am safely but it is not me.

So then.... who are you?

Let the rain bring the possibilities...

The smell of rain is in the air. It's too early in the year for it to actually rain, but it's a nice thought. The air has been getting warmer, not just during the day but nights too, and little plants are starting to pop out of the ground. Spring, and the change that comes with it are just around the corner.

“I believe in running through the rain and crashing into the person you love and having your lips bleed on each other.”

~ Billy Bob Thornton

I've been telling the Universe something for the past...month or so. Waiting for an answer. Perhaps I'm not listening, or, as I told Steph today, perhaps my answer just isn't ready for me.

I have been steadily working away at coming up with ideas for things, without actually making much progress towards doing.

“Don't wait until everything is just right. It will never be perfect. There will always be challenges, obstacles and less than perfect conditions. So what. Get started now. With each step you take, you will grow stronger and stronger, more and more skilled, more and more self-confident and more and more successful.”

~ Mark Victor Hansen

Speaking of Steph, she recently posted an entry about actually doing. When I first read it, I thought 'Yeah, you have to actually make progress!' Never mind I've been stuck in my own self made quagmire of non-movement. Amazing how just smelling moisture in the air can make one realize something like that about themselves.

So here's what I need to actually step up and do in the next few weeks/months:
Get reiki attunement sorted out so I can help teach that class
Find notebook containing book notes
Create multiple necklaces of 3 main types
Make bags to place necklaces in for fair
Get bins
Get sheets from thrift store
Consider pictures to print/sell at fair

I think that list is good for now.



As I was looking for quotes to finish this entry with, I came across one that I'd like to share. It doesn't have much to do with the entry, but that's fine.

“In prayer it is better to have a heart without words than words without a heart.”

~ Mahatma Ghandi

I share this because during a recent journey group on the power of words, an old medicine man came to me and shared some words of advice with me.

"Have faith child, and let no prayer pass your lips that has not first passed your heart."

The two are quite similar in meaning, at least in my mind.

“The only thing that stands between a man and what he wants from life is often merely the will to try it and the faith to believe that it is possible.”

~ David Viscott

With that, I am off to get what I want from life. I believe it is possible.

Right Round, Like a Record Baby

I realize that records are one continuous groove that goes around, not several different ones, but work with me here. Lately I've felt as if I'm on the same record as my life, but I'm in a different groove. I can see where I would normally be, where life as I know it lies, and yet I can't get there. I try, but it winds up being awkward and disjointing as the record skips and I'm back where I started. The description is as close as I can come to my life as of late. I do something I would normally do, and yet it feels different, and the result isn't the same, and no one really knows how to react.

A good friend told me that it just means I'm 'evolving' ... evolving into what? Only the Universe knows that one at this point I'm afraid. Each time I think about it, I just get lost in the many ways my path could be going at this moment in time.

“The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.”

~ M. Scott Peck

So the Universe is pushing me out of my rut and forcing me to see things in new lights. Apparently I wasn't doing a good enough job on my own at it. This does spark a memory however. I was told, by a few people, that once I stop being snarky, drop the sarcastic qualities and live my truth, I would find my partner. The moments I feel the most out of place, are when I try and fall back on my old humor, on being snarky. It no longer seems to fit. When I press I just feel even more out of place with things.

“Sarcasm is the language of the devil, for which reason I have long since as good as renounced it”

~ Thomas Carlyle

“A sarcastic person has a superiority complex that can be cured only by the honesty of humility.”

~ Lawrence G Lovasik

While I doubt that I will soon become a sugary sweet woman with nary a sarcastic word oozing from her mouth, I will do better at tempering my words.

Sarcasm is often an easy way out, it deflects the focus back onto the other person involved. It's a great way to avoid actually being real and dealing with things that are happening, be they emotions, thoughts, simple words.

I will soon help teach another reiki class. I have a feeling that is the reason for some of this change. Energy has begun to move and change, and life moves and changes with it. Dreams become more detailed and graphical, activities turn towards the spiritual and the meditative, and your body begins to purge toxins.

I shall close by thanking the Universe for letting me see the jars as opposed to letting me continue to fumble along blindly in the dark. Thank you for letting me carry a candle on this confusing journey and for providing matches with which to light it.

“But the eyes are blind. One must look with the heart...”

~ Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Quieting the Monkey Mind

“Meditation is the tongue of the soul and the language of our spirit”
~ Jeremy Taylor

Our lives are often so busy we forget to sit and rest our minds for a few moments each day.



I started this entry a few days ago... and then stopped. To me that is a great example of needing to just sit sometimes. Instead I got so wrapped up in things and got busy and tired and and and. Bottom line is, the entry sat dormant for several days waiting to be finished. My week has been so hectic between working, going to the gym, trying to spend time with family, etc, that I haven't really taken a moment to just be quiet and breathe. Even when I try and take a few moments before bed my mind is racing with thoughts from the day or upcoming days. So I shall now resolve to try and work more meditation back into my life. It's time. To that end, I'm browsing the podcasts to see if there's anything new I might want to listen to.

Believe

I've been taking stock of things recently... life, direction, motivation... you name it I'm eyeballing it. I'm ready for my life to go in a direction that it hasn't really been going. So now the task becomes figuring out how to get things going in the direction I want. That or just charging in blindly... that doesn't really work usually so that plan is out the window.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about what I do versus what I am. What I do is what pays the bills, provides health insurance, etc. What I am is what drives me, what gets me going, etc. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy my job. There's just more out there that really interests me.

This entry is showing all the signs of bouncing from topic to topic. They're all related and connected though, I promise. It might not be all too evident however.

If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? And why are you waiting?
~ Stephen Levine

I'm ready.

I've been saying for months how I'm ready for change, as if saying it multiple times will somehow magically make the universe realize that it can hit me with change. This of course has dangers as well because the universe could suddenly decide to hit me all at once rather than gently send it on my way.

You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with.
~ Wayne W. Dyer

So now I begin to make the changes in my life that need to be made in order to achieve what I want to achieve. I can see the final picture, I see it all the time, I'm just not sure how to get from A to C without first knowing what B is. Faith has been placed in myself and the PTB.

As your faith is strengthened you will find that there is no longer the need to have a sense of control, that things will flow as they will, and that you will flow with them, to your great delight and benefit.
~ Emmanuel

Deliberate Intensity of Life

I often talk about change, how I feel it coming, how it's making my life go wonky, etc. Despite all that, I don't often stop and reflect on changes when they actually happen, or what they mean. The new year has brought changes with it this time. They're subtle but quite obvious at the same time. I'm more on point with things this time around. I've made a decision to be my true self because that is the only way that I'm going to get where I want to get in life. If I can't buckle down and get the job done now when I'm in a support position, how can I expect to do it when I'm in charge of things?

Keep your dreams alive. Understand to achieve anything requires faith and belief in yourself, vision, hard work, determination, and dedication. Remember all things are possible for those who believe. ~ Gail Devers

So, now that I've begun to be my true self again, where does that lead? I am back to being in charge of things, not taking slack from anyone, am requesting others to challenge me, and am challenging them to be their true selves. Part of all of that is simple trust.

When you have come to the edge of all light that you know and are about to drop off into the darkness of the unknown, Faith is knowing one of two things will happen: there will be something solid to stand on, or you will be taught to fly. ~ Patrick Overton

Trust is never that simple of course. It takes a lot of effort on your part, to let yourself go to that place. You have to be ok with yourself and all the ups and downs that come with that self. We never have been, nor ever shall be perfect except in our imperfections. We have good days, we have bad days, we have days that are just days with no real good or bad quality to them. The trick then, is to be able to look yourself in the eye and say 'Here I am, this is it. I can live to my full potential or I can live a passive life and I cannot be passive!'

Life is to be lived. If you have to support yourself, you had bloody well better find some way that is going to be interesting. And you don't do that by sitting around wondering about yourself. ~ Katharine Hepburn

So, live deliberately, and live intensely. Show the world who you are and what you stand for, and don't be afraid to stand out in the process.