Kids...me...rebuilding

So today I read a story to the kiddos during church... that was a ton of fun. There are these two little twins, about 2 years old, who came up to hear the story and ended up 'helping'...at least one of them did. She kept reaching for the mic and wanting to turn the page for me. Was adorable. Was then downstairs to help out during their fun day. That was also great. I was asked if I had or worked with kids...no to both of those...then a 'do you want kids' question of course... that was a little more fuzzy of an answer. In the past I've gone back and forth on this question, and at times it's kind of depended on who was asking. Hate to say it, but in the past I was quite... flexible depending on the person I was talking with and what I thought they wanted to hear. That isn't the best position to put yourself in. It's a great way to loose yourself though, and I'm afraid that's what I was doing. Now I'm on the way to find out just who I am...it's sort of, tricky I guess. First, there's all the mess that's been put into place over time that wasn't me but was someone else. All that will have to be waded through and sorted into 'me' and 'not me'. That task is mildly daunting on its own, but add to it the next task of having to take the 'me' parts and figure out how they fit together to form 'me'. Once that's done there are holes that have to be filled in.

Holes take time to fill in of course... not expecting things to fill in instantly. That wouldn't be realistic.

So then, do I make lists, do I just make random thoughts and statements someplace (like here) until I've gone through everything?

I took a deep breath and listened to the old bray of my heart. I am. I am. I am. ~Sylvia Plath

This all started with me talking about my morning with the kiddos... and how that made me question everything. I know that someday I'll have kids, through conception or adoption, either way they'll exist. I don't think I'm ready for them to show up any time soon however... just want to make that clear to the Universe. I'd like some sort of support and partnership before that happens lol. All that being said, I feel like I'm on the right track with things and with decisions I have or haven't made. Time to put the house back together, piece by piece.

Up to a point a man's life is shaped by environment, heredity, and movements and changes in the world about him. Then there comes a time when it lies within his grasp to shape the clay of his life into the sort of thing he wishes to be. Only the weak blame parents, their race, their times, lack of good fortune, or the quirks of fate. Everyone has it within his power to say, "This I am today; that I will be tomorrow." ~Louis L'Amour